AH: You know, for the first three four weeks I mean I really didn’t feel much and I guess I started to get a little worried because I was thinking “oh I mean I don’t feel bad anymore but I don’t really feel an improvement or anything like that.” So I was a little – I was still a little, well, not skeptical but I was starting to get a little sad in a way because I go “well this doesn’t work and I’m screwed, I might actually be screwed.” And then eventually – trying to remember it went by so fast – somewhere in the middle or near the end I kind of went to a dip, which they told me about, they said there’s a dip you can sometimes experience. And you know that dip lasted about a week. It was pretty bad and I kept that thought of the dip in my head but still part of me was like “oh crap well it’s just it was working still maybe it’s just gonna – maybe the dip will go away but my depression would still be there [right] it won’t actually fix anything and…
Dr. W: That was the fear.
AH: Yeah so I’m scared a little bit a bit and then it wasn’t… so a couple weeks after that was that I actually started to maybe feel something. You know when people ask me if you’re feeling better I couldn’t really say “yes” or “no”. I just say “I don’t know, I really don’t know” and I kind of answered like that after so week, week and a half, two weeks because I didn’t know I didn’t really know what I was feeling. And then the last week, my last week, at TMS there was a day where I just got up like normal got ready for work and I was walking to work I just had this weird feeling of like euphoria of just… like I was just looking around and I didn’t feel sad or bad or depressed. I just felt content, which is something I haven’t felt in like years I can’t remember the last time I just looked around. So yeah, I’m here, cool. Because usually do I look around I’m just like “ugh” you know, whatever. So it was almost overwhelming for a second because I was like “what the hell is this feeling? Is this how people normally feel? Is this normal? Is this just how it feels to not be just down in the dumps 24/7?” And then and I was like you know the last day or two of TMS that it kicked in for me. And then it’s a week later now and ever since then I’m just over- ever since then it’s just been a solid – just every day I wake up I’m like “yeah let’s do it.” Like I don’t feel terrible every time I wake up. I don’t feel depressed as hell because you know, before I started it was getting bad. It was you know, I couldn’t even get out of bed. I couldn’t go to school. I couldn’t focus on school. I can focus on going to the gym I’ve been going to the gym again. I started doing that like a week or two ago when I started feeling a little bit better. I was finally had like at least some motivation to get back to the gym because I lost that motivation like months ago. So, usually when I get depressed in the past I can kind of get out of it by going to the gym. And this time it’s so bad around I couldn’t get that initial motivation to get me to go the gym again. But this time, the TMS, I guess I was actually able to get myself back from the gym and I feel just a little bit positive. You know, I haven’t had suicidal thoughts in at least three or three weeks I haven’t had any. Like it’s not even a thought to me and when I think about it I’m like well I can’t really imagine a reason to do that anymore, which is a pretty crazy thing, at least for me. And yeah. So overall it’s been a – went by really fast. It went by a lot faster than I thought. Just kind of hits you one day and you’re like “whoa, oh that’s weird. Is this how it feels to not be depressed.”
Dr. W: It’s pretty great isn’t it?
AH: Yeah it was really weird. I almost cried like late at night so I was like what the hell.
Dr. W: I totally get that.
AH: Yeah it’s pretty cool.
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