MW: It was something that was recommended to me and had been recommended to me a long time ago. I was kind of fearful of it because it was some kind of beams into my brain and I had heard about electroshock therapy and then I found out from a family member who works adjacent to the medical field that it’s really totally non-invasive and it just, the worst thing that could happen to you is that it’s well, it doesn’t work. And so I’ve had depression and anxiety at such a level for so long, and I have been through 12 years of therapy and I kind of felt like it was worth trying something else. And I even had family members saying you know “don’t you think you should try something else” and people who were close to the psychiatric community and you know “why don’t you think about trying something else” and so I did. And fortunately Dr. Hubbard had mentioned this TMS treatment and so finally one time when I had an appointment with him I said “yeah I’d like to try that”. So I went into it I feel like pretty aware that I really wasn’t at risk and that it was going to be a non-invasive thing that might or might not work and I was trying to be very realistic about that. And so as I got into it I found at first it was a little weird, like this kind of woodpecker on your head and it made my eyes twitch and it was a little bit uncomfortable at first. And they told me “oh you’ll get used to it” and so you know I did. And I learned to kind of just relax into it and breathe into it and just look for what good was going to come out of it and every time it bothered me a little bit I say “well that’s because we’re doing something good and I’m going to try to get all the good stuff out of this.” But then I found out that I kind of gradually did better and things didn’t really appear like some amazing epiphany. It just kind of gradually seeped in and then I started having these box of chocolates experiences where I felt like I was you know Forrest Gump and one day I was doing good the next day not as good. And it wasn’t really extreme it was just kind of gentle and I learned to talk to my technician and say you know “I just learned that I need to just take it as it comes because I don’t know what’s going to happen.” And so I didn’t know from one day to the next and but I did notice that this wave of how I was doing seemed to be sloping to the positive so I was doing better and I got through all of my normal treatments and I was still having this box of chocolates experience but I had some really amazing experiences too. I had some epic sleep that I hadn’t had and like I don’t know how many years, just some of the very best sleeps I think that was the number one thing that I really appreciated. A lot of my depression and anxiety really hit me when I was sleeping and that was one of the reasons I really came to TMS because I couldn’t find a way to deal with that [interesting] and I just didn’t know how I was going to get at it so I started having this epic sleep and I thought okay something’s going on here. And so I was really really happy about that and then I’d have some downs I go “okay well I did that before” and then we got to the end of the normal treatments and I did get a big dip and it hit me pretty hard. And I told everybody here at the treatment center that I was having that and I think it showed up in all the questions that I answered and they said “well let’s give you 10 more and see how that does” and I remember at the beginning they had said sometimes older folks will you know it won’t it won’t get better as soon. So I felt like I was in that group and maybe I was just having a normal result for a person in my age group. So at any rate I got the extra 10 and it really did get better, and it’s just like I’m so much more level. I’m so not projecting things onto others I’m feeling warmer I told one of the people that I felt like I was a pretty warm person in the past and somehow I lost that. And especially with my wife because I felt like she’s taken the brunt of a lot of my depression and anxiety and I would say to her like “why aren’t you making me happier” and you know “what are you doing” and it was just a lot of that going on. And now I’m it’s different I’m warmer again and even my daughter-in-law and my wife have noticed they said you don’t you don’t isolate as much when we’re out with the granddaughters in the backyard you come out and join in [wow]. And that’s just something I want to do now has made a big difference.
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